Artemis Fowl III: Trouble in Paradise
by ArTeMiSfOwL
Summary: Artemis sets out to avenge the kidnapping of his family and friends. As the story progresses, the heroes find themselves in a terrifying situation. WILL CONTAIN VIOLENCE AND GORE!!! AND MINOR SEXUAL CONTENT, OH WELL YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!
1. Revelation

I, ArTeMiSfOwL, do not own Artemis Fowl. (ducks rotten tomato.) And without further ado, I present...  
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Chapter One: Celebration  
  
Artemis lifted the Sig Sauer hand gun and took careful aim.   
He took 3 large chunks out of the assassin's head. Artemis smiled. Not his   
customary wolf grin, but more like a proud one. He killed the deadly assassin,   
or he would have if it wasn't a cardboard cut-out.   
  
"Very good, Artemis! You've improved!" said Butler, placing a hand on his charge's shoulder.   
Butler took the handgun from his hand, and unloaded it. Artemis took his walkie-talkie out and pressed   
the call button.   
  
"Juliet? Would you please prepare a dinner for us? Nothing too fancy,   
maybe, oh, ravioli? Pasta? Maybe, Lobster Bisque?" Artemis awaited a response.   
  
"What was that? I'm sorry, but I've just heard the best news!" Said Juliet. Artemis raised   
an eyebrow. He wondered what was so important. Probably Big Bob defeated Samurai Sam. Juliet   
sure did like wrestling. "Well, don't you want to hear the news?" asked Juliet. She was very anxious.  
Artemis decided not to. He would wait for it to come up in a dinner conversation. He was not in  
a mood for wrestling.   
  
"Juliet? I'd rather hear the news later. I have to train anyway. Call me when   
dinner's ready." said Artemis. He had made a promise to Butler. Starting one week after the incident   
involving the rescue of Artemis Senior, Artemis would run track, lift weights, and now, train his   
ability to shoot a gun. Though Butler forced him to do the exercise and track, it was Artemis's idea   
to practice with weapons.  
  
Artemis walked with Butler to the new gym recently installed. It was complete with a treadmill,   
weight set, pool, showers, sauna, TV system and, of course, a beverage cooler. He grabbed a bottle of still  
water from the cooler and put it in the treadmill's cup holder. Artemis found it very boring to run for  
a long period of time without entertainment. So, he installed the finest TV, a LCAP flat screen. He flipped  
to Espn 8 (he had gotten a new SATELLITE, it thought some people could have IMAGINATION!!!), the running   
channel of choice. Butler sat next to the treadmill, reading his newest Guns & Ammo magazine.  
  
Today's top weapon was the fully automatic, 15 shot pistol. It was named the Rhino. Butler glanced at Artemis.   
He was running full speed. Butler smiled and returned to his magazine. I taught him so much. He really catches on quickly,   
He thought. Artemis really did enjoy Butler's company. He used to just be a tyrant. One order after another. But after   
his father was rescued, Artemis changed. He was content.   
  
Artemis got up and went to the weight set. He selected an extremely heavy (100 pounds) weight, or at least heavy for   
someone his age and picked it up. "Butler, would you come here please?" Artemis didn't have to ask, because his manservant  
was already next to him. Artemis would not take any chances. Before he had started the training program, Artemis remembered   
an old fact he had read in a newspaper when he was three. It stated that 78 percent of deaths in the athletic area were   
caused by people getting heavy weights on their chests. They then proceeded to die a very slow and painful death. He   
shivered. Artemis certainly did not want to die, especially slow and painfully. So, in short, Butler would hold on to the  
weight as Artemis lifted it, so if he stopped, he could pick it off of him.  
  
Artemis proceeded to sit on the weight bench. Here's to that fat girl in my old class. He said, lifting the weight.   
It was a new way of lifting weights for Artemis. He would think of a person he hated, and it would give him energy. Artemis gained  
a lot of energy from this. So, ultimately, it meant lifting a weight twenty to twenty five more times. Artemis stopped   
lifting the barbell. Butler took it off of his chest, and placed it back where it belonged. 85, thought Butler. Artemis was   
getting stronger.   
  
"Butler, would you please pass me my drink?" asked Artemis. He was extremely thirsty, and was sweating like, well he was   
sweating a lot. When Butler passed the water to Artemis, he drank it in 3 huge gulps. He then proceeded to walk to the shower   
and grabbed a towel. He walked inside the sliding door and closed it. Suddenly, clothes flew over the door. Butler caught them,  
and laid them on the stool next to the shower. Scents of peppermint and fresh fields circled the room. Butler smiled. Artemis  
only bought the finest soaps with the most amazing scents. And usually the most expensive. For example, his favorite soap,   
Heavenly Scent cost 69 dollars for a single bar. And his shampoo, Peppermint Dreams, cost 250 a bottle. Leave it to Artemis   
to spend as much money possible, thought Butler. Artemis turned off the water and dried off. He realized how good he smelled.   
As he continued thinking about his scent, he wrapped his towel around him and stepped out of the shower.  
  
Artemis grabbed a robe from the rack and put it on. He walked to his room and started to get some formal attire from  
his antique armoire. Tonight's choice was a shirt (white), suit (black), tie (navy blue) and loafers (black). He looked in the  
mirror and smiled. Stunning, Artemis thought. Simply stunning.  
  
Artemis proceeded to walk down the grand staircase, smiling at Butler. Unfortunately, Artemis did not notice that his   
shoes were untied. Artemis slipped, falling down the last two hundred and twenty-four steps. Butler ran to his master. he picked  
up Artemis and wiped the blood from his nose, and various wounds. Butler raced to catch him, but it was too late.  
He had a black eye, and a gash down his face.  
  
"Artemis, are you all right?" Butler asked. Artemis shaked loose.   
  
"Yes Butler, just a small nosebleed, that's all." Artemis said quickly. He cursed at himself. Fool!, he thought. He took  
the silk napkin out of his pocket. As he wiped his nose and gash, he thought that no amount of exercise and training could change his clumsiness.  
Oh well, he thought. He put the napkin back in his pocket.  
  
Butler stood at his post, disgruntled. He reviewed the last scene in his mind, over and over. Artemis falling down all of those   
stairs. It must have been terrible, thought the manservant. And he just got up and walked away. Amazing.  
  
Artemis walked into the dining room with a smile. He looked around the room and stopped. There were tables full of food, and he  
saw a familiar face. Very familiar. A person with scars and a prosthetic leg.  
  
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Well, thats it! It's tooooooo short, I was on a tight schedule. So how is it? Reviews! I require 5 reviews to continue! :) Psyce I'll continue  
Edit: I added a little more details because some people hated it (or didn't like it), but critescism (whatever) is useful! 


	2. Celebration and defeat

I do not own Artemis Fowl. :'( OK THIS CHAPTER SUCKS!!!!!! IT'S REALLY BAD I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER IN THE FOLLOWING ONES!!! :0 Thanks to Thundermage, you have won the contest!!! You will be in this story. Chapter Two: Revelations  
  
Mr. Fowl sat at the table, smiling. His face was riddled with many scars. Artemis gasped. It was odd, seeing his father conscious for the first time in years. Artemis blushed. His recent wounds were turning red, and his mother got up to clean them.  
  
"Oh, Arty, are you all right?" his Mother cried, reaching for a bottle of rubbing alcohol. She cleansed it with a cotton ball. Artemis cringed at the sudden sting. Then he relaxed.  
  
"Yes, mother. I am fine," he said in a monotone voice. He walked over to his father.  
  
"Son!" his father yelled. "You've gotten bigger." Mr. Fowl grabbed his arm and squeezed. "And stronger, too! Why, the last time I saw you, you were ten! You loved surfing the net for alien rumors and whatnot."  
  
Artemis just stood there. A mixture of happiness and amazement curdled in his stomach. He could not stand it anymore. He started to sob into his father's shirt.  
  
"There, there, me boy. It's ok. it's ok." said the man, rubbing his son's back. He smiled. His own son had gotten sentimental. That's what you get for leaving a family for years at a time, he thought. He was biting his lip, and a trickle of blood poured down his chin.  
  
"Dad, I." said Artemis. He stopped crying and wiped his eyes. "What I mean is," He stopped. For once in his life, Artemis was at a loss for words. He thought for a second. "Father. I have missed you dearly. Why don't you tell us about your adventure?" said Artemis. He cleared his throat and waited. He already knew what happened, but he thought it polite to ask.  
  
"Well son, I do remember saying goodbye, and ridding on a ship, but apparently, I got a slight case of amnesia. I also remember waking up in a hospital bed." Mr. Fowl sighed. "It's a pity I don't remember anything, for it would be of your mother's interest."  
  
Mr. Fowl drunk deeply from a champagne glass, filled with Dom Perignon. (tell me if it's spelled wrong please)  
  
"Oh Timmy, I missed you so, said Angeline. She leaned across the table and kissed him on the cheek. "You simply can't imagine what it's been like since you left." Angeline let out a sigh of contentment. "I love you Timmy." Said Angeline.  
  
Mr. Fowl looked at his son's arm and was surprised. "Son, you sized up pretty damn well. Do you lift weights?"  
  
Artemis smiled Oh yes, the moment of truth has finally arrived, he thought. "I lift weights, about oh, 150 (pounds), and bench 125 (pounds)." Artemis smiled.  
  
"Um, Mother, may I please get a plate of food?" asked Artemis politely. He had been extremely hungry.  
  
"Oh, dear, I was waiting for you to ask. We all are a little hungry." Said his mother. She smiled. What a lovely son we have, she thought. And with that, a long night of food and talk commenced.  
  
The Lower Elements, Haven City, Holly's House  
  
Holly lied on her bed, thinking about Artemis. What possible schemes could he be up to? Was he plotting ultimate doom for the LEP or even the lower elements? Nah, never. Artemis had changed. Holly was sure of it. Foaly had cameras stationed in Artemis's limo, concealed in virtually every room. This may seem possible, but due to Foaly's newest creation, the Spyspore (catchy, huh?), contained many micro cameras. What it can do is: A. Move according to a nuclear-powered, super sonic remote control, B. Spread up to 3 cameras a second, and C. Direct the micro cameras to the most unnoticeable, yet best vantage point. Very clever. Of course, Foaly spent half of the time bragging about it, but Holly taught him to shut up with a quick jab in the stomach. She chuckled. Holly loved to hit Foaly. He made a funny sound, somewhere between an umf and an ouch. The result was a mouch. Holly chuckled again. She checked her moonometer. Damn. Almost eight.  
  
She got up, and went to the kitchen. Grumble. Foaly had recently patented a new invention. It was instant food that provides nutrition, vitamins and everything necessary to be healthy. It only required for you to shake the bag vigorously for three minutes. There was a micro-conductor inside that multiplied the heat generated by shaking it. It was quite simple, really. Foaly had also managed to duplicate the taste of mud-men foods, like shrimp.  
  
Holly got her instant meal (she had chosen shrimp cocktail) and grabbed her gun, helmet and suit. She quickly put it on and placed her gun in the holster. Holly shook the shrimp as she ran outside, running towards LEP (I don't remember the name of it!). Holly instantly realized that she had forgot a fork.  
  
D'ARVIT!!!" she yelled. She said it a little too loud, for it had woken up half of the street.  
  
"Shut up! I'm trying to sleep" or "Be quiet!" or other half-brained shouts, riddled with sleep, were yelled. Holly grinned. An easy way to get on an Elf's nerves was to deprive them of sleep. Then she remembered why they were yelling at her.  
  
Holly was never one to be a messy eater. But now was an exception. She couldn't be late. Once again she checked her moonometer. 7:56. She was three blocks away. Could she make it? Let's find out, she thought. She gulped the contents of the pouch down, as quickly as possible. She had mostly managed to keep the sauce off of her. Mostly.  
  
Holly ran down the three blocks quicker than a sprite would flirt with a female officer. She ran to her office as quickly as possible, knocking down the occasional bystander. Today's traffic wasn't so bad, she thought. As soon as she signed in and got to her cubicle, she felt someone breathe down her neck. Literally. She slowly turned around, afraid of the possibilities. She looked up into the dark, unmerciful eyes of. Foaly?  
  
"Damn it Foaly, never do that!!" Screamed Holly, punching him in the stomach. A loud mouch emitted from his mouth. Holly was satisfied. She smiled a broad smile.  
  
"Just noticed that you were eating one of my new meals. Did you like it?" said Foaly, anxiously. Holly threw away the wrapper.  
  
"Yes, Foaly. It was gourmet. Excellent. You could be the first Centaur chef!" She said sarcastically, throwing up the paperwork on her desk. Foaly smiled.  
  
"No Holly, actually the second. Yuto, the eccentric guy." said Foaly.  
  
"You mean the guy I arrested 100 years ago? Didn't he like, poison the food supply of the Burping Gremlin?" she asked. Foaly nodded. Holly frowned. "Ok, pony boy, enough cooking riz raz, I have important paperwork to give to my secretary, as you can see. So go create something" she spat. She was short tempered. That was one side effect of the meals.  
  
Foaly walked away, mumbling something about being under appreciated. Holly went back to her work when she felt someone breathing down he neck again.  
  
"Holly, I see you like paper parades! Well, if you don't get this load of Rithgaarmian shit out of my way. need I continue" Said Lieutenant Root. He had gotten a lot of responsibility since had been given a higher position. Holly winced. Root had recently gotten an approval from the council. It simply stated that anyone who Root thought was not up to standards would spend fifty years in the most excruciating training and torture to bring them back up to standards.  
  
"Yessir. Right away sir." Holly quickly said. Not that she wasn't on the way to a promotion, she just never wanted to be on Root's bad side. He had met a sprite who was, and he ended up in Cumulus House.  
  
"Now then." Said Root, his face a lovely cherry tinge. "We need you to proceed to the mission Simulator. They just created a new Mission." The walked down the hall, up the stairs, back down the stairs and up more stairs.  
  
"Holly! Take a look at this! A new Artemis Fowl orientated simulator, based on the past events. One is even named the Artic Incident!" Said a techie. Holly gritted her teeth. Stay calm. Stay composed, she said to herself. She couldn't help herself, so she punched him square in the nose.  
  
"What did I say about publicity? Huh? You want another one in the eye? Or how about in your lips?"  
  
The techie flinched and started to cry.  
  
"Oh, is the baby gonna cry? Poor baby" said Holly  
  
"Holly! That's enough. Stop it now!" screamed Root. "What's gotten into you?"  
  
"Must be that instant breakfast/meal thing" said Holly feebly "I guess I'll stop eating them." Root nodded. Holly apologized and hugged him. She then proceeded to go to the operations booth. "Foaly. You've gotta stop producing those meals! They mess up your good judgment and stuff!" Said Holly. Before Foaly could respond with a witty response, Holly's walkie- talkie started to buzz.  
  
"All units! All units! Proceed to Police Plaza! We have a hostage situation on our hands! I repeat, we have a hostage situation on our hands!" Holly ran outside, recoiling in fear. An Elf was hanging from a rope, cut up severely. He had no magic to cure his wounds, apparently. Hooded figures were guarding him with what appeared to be a Semi-automatic. Holly put on her helmet and tried to get a close-up of it.  
  
"Unidentified weapon. It's illegal if I don't know what it is" said a recording of Foaly. Holly cursed. Badly.  
  
"Foaly, can you tell me what that is?" asked Holly. She cleared her voice and tried again. "Foaly, what is that?" she said in a more insistent voice. "Foaly!"  
  
"Don't think I'm in good terms with you. Ahem Ahem. Oh yeah, that is um, hold on a second." Said Foaly. Holly heard Foaly tapping some keys. "Um, Holly, I need you to listen carefully. That weapon. that weapon is a multi- blasting, fully automatic body penetrating wide-shot blaster. Eight settings. Setting one can melt skin. Eight can destroy a whole group of fifty or so people. It also ha-"  
  
"Holly! I need you to get the LEP's attention! Stop them!" Barked Root. Holly brought him up on the view screen.  
  
"Why can't Foaly warn them?"  
  
"Because, HOLLY," Root said in an impatient voice. "The flares are up!"  
  
"D'Arvit! D'Arvit D'Arvit D'Arvit! All right. I'll do my best. S-sir." Holly stuttered. A sudden wave of fear overwhelmed her. She took three deep breaths and ran towards the front of the crowd. "Everyone stop! Shut Up!" Holly yelled. No one listened. Holly gritted her teeth and raised her gun. She fired four shots, an LEP signal for basically, shut up. Everyone spun around and looked at her. "Everyone, the guns those. those people are holding are very dangerous. They are extremely deadly. Foaly should be." Holly screamed out in pain. Apparently, one of the hooded figures fired a round at Holly. "AughHhHHHHHHHHHHHh!!"  
  
Holly was losing consciousness fast. She started to get lightheaded and was wondering things. Why did it have to hurt so much? And why couldn't magic heal it? How was it? It sucked right? I'll keep on writing no matter what now. I hope, that is. 


	3. Execution and Inventions

I do not own Artemis Fowl or any of the characters in the book. I did   
write this story, though. This chapter will be good, I hope. And one   
other thing, REVIEW!!!!  
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Chapter three: Explanations  
  
Lower elements, The people's hospital  
  
Searing pain flowed through her body. She was on fire.   
She was going to melt... melt to death... and then she blacked out.  
  
"Holly! Goddammit, Holly wake up"  
"Oh my god, is she ok?"  
"What's wrong with her back?"  
"She took a serious blast, she's lucky to be alive."  
  
Voices floated through her head. She moaned and rolled to one   
side and went back to the darkness... back to darkness...  
  
Holly woke up. The pain was no longer there. She got up,   
but the pain came swarming back, so she went back to lying down.  
  
"You're awake. Good." A familiar voice made her shiver.  
The voice was that of commander Root. "We thought that you were  
going to die. You took a turn for the worse." Root paused to  
take a glance at Holly. He had been facing a wall. He then   
turned to face her "Everybody missed you. They send their regards.   
  
Holly looked at her night table to find mounds of candy and  
gifts. 'Wow, that's great', she thought. She thought about the LEP  
and all of the things she might be missing.   
  
"We caught one of the hooded figures. Apparantly, they   
cannot be killed by bullets, but one of them was tackled by Trouble."  
  
'Good old trouble', she thought.  
  
"He's being interrogated right now. We havn't made   
any progress, unfortunately."  
  
"Can you take me to him?" Asked Holly. She so dearly  
wanted to spit on the scum. She went cold thinking about him.  
  
"Yes, I guess it can be arranged. NURSE!!!!" He yelled.  
The pretty young blonde came rushing in. Root exchanged quiet words  
with her. "Holly, can you manage to get up a bit?" Asked Root. Holly  
nodded and got into a sitting position on the side of her bed.  
  
"Get in the wheelchair please." Said the Blonde Nurse,   
while pulling out a capsule the size of a soda bottle. As Holly  
got up, the nurse took the contents out of the capsule, and a   
wheel chair was soon formed. Holly noticed that it said, Foaly's  
Idea 456. Holly smiled. 'Good old Foaly' She thought. As she was  
wheeled down the hall, the Nurse talked to her.  
  
"You won't believe how worried all your friends were about  
you. They all wanted to visit, but only your commander could   
visit. Hospital policy, ya know?"  
  
Holly gritted her teeth. All of this talking was giving her  
a headache. Suddenly, they took a sharp right hand turn and went   
into a darkly lit room. Holly noticed that there was a barred cell  
near her.  
  
"For prisoners needing attention, ya know? Well, se ya later!"  
Said the energetic nurse. Holly saw a robed figure sitting on a cot.  
His robe was covering his appearances.  
  
"What do you want? If you're trying to get information out of  
me, too bad. You won't succeed." said the man, in a deep raspy voice.  
  
Holly was taken aback. She didn't want information from him,  
just to talk. "You and you're friends nearly killed me. I'm on  
the verge of death." She said. She knew it was a lie. She wasn't dying,  
just in pain. "I could have been dead! At the ripe age of 89!!!" She   
spat. The man smiled.  
  
"One less LEP scum to deal with. You should have died, you  
bitch!" He shouted.   
  
Holly got up, a sudden surge of anger flowed through her body.  
She ignored the pain and went close up to the bars. The man got up, too  
and smiled. Too bad she couldn't tell, thanks to his robe.  
  
"Great. Just what I wanted." He said, his eyes ablaze with anger.  
  
"If you think-" Holly started. She was interrupted by a hand closing   
around her throat, lifting her higher and higher. Just at that moment,  
Root "just happened to be passing by" when he noticed this scene. He ran  
in and grabbed the man's arm just in time.   
  
"Freeze! You sonnavabitch! Haven't you done enough damage?"   
yelled Commander Root. "I'm going to have your ass killed on THE HILL!"  
He bellowed.  
  
SIX MONTHS LATER, LOWER ELEMENTS, THE HILL  
  
Holly had fully recovered. She even was better than ever, really.  
The scum that had nearly killed her twice was subject to torture and death.  
Holly smiled and watched as he was electrocuted. He was still alive. Good  
for the croud who was watching.   
  
"Stab him!", "Cut him to ribbons!" and other demands were shouted.  
They spit at him and cursed him.  
  
'So this is death. I deserve this shit' thought the man. So far,  
noone had unrobed him. 'Good'.  
  
As if someone had read his mind, the executioner came over and unrobed  
him. His dissapeared with a "POOF" and a "BANG" and that was that.  
  
  
  
  
  
THE FOWL ESTATE, 12:38 PM  
  
"Butler, pass me the drill and screws." Demanded Artemis. Butler  
did so and sighed. Artemis had been working on a new invention. Once again.  
It happened to be a computer gun, and it was almost done.  
  
"You know, this is going pretty well. My new invention should be ready soon  
and then we can rest." said Artemis. The effects of night were taking over him.   
He did his work without thinking. He could have made a serious mistake. And he did.  
  
"Artemis, get into bed right now!" said Mrs. Fowl. She was anxious because  
the Mr. and her were going to "do the laundry" WINK WINK. They were going to make  
love, and Artemis was preventing them from doing it. She was desparate for loving.  
  
"In a minute mom." said Artemis, once again without thinking. He screwed on  
the metal casing and it was complete. "I'll be right there." Artemis turned on the  
charger. Computers can't run without electricity, you know.  
  
Artemis walked up the stairs, accompanied by Butler. He went into his room, as   
Butler checked under his bed, in his bathroom and in his closet. Just as usual, noone was  
there. Butler left, and Artemis went to bed. Before he could doze off, he heard the walls  
shaking and the voices of his parents.  
  
"OH, Timmy yes, yes, yes..."  
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REVIEW PLEASE I'M REALLY WORKING HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
OH YEAH AND SOMEONE STOLE MY SNAPPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	4. Suspense

In this chapter, THUNDERMAGE gets to be a character. He was the fifth to respond. I would like  
to continue, but my goddammed disclaimer is coming up. I do not own: ARTEMIS, JULIET, MR. FOWL  
MRS. FOWL and OTHER CHARACTERS COPYRIGHTED BY COLFER!!! I also don't own THUNDERMAGE. I only own  
the hooded figure! DAMMIT! I DON't OWN ANY OF THE PLAY STATIONS but I DO OWN LAME CUBE and its GAMES!!!  
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Chapter Four: Gone   
  
Eternal darkness swarmed over his body like a group of ants, or roaches, yes roaches.   
Roaches swarmed over his body, making him filthy. They engulfed him for ever and ever and ever   
and ever and ever...  
  
Popcorn and lolipops, candy and elephants, pies...  
  
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And then he woke up. He yawned and opened his eyes.  
  
"Artemis, honey! BREAKFAST!" sang his mother. Such a lovely voice. Such beautiful music  
to be submerged in. It is lovely. Marvelous. "ArteMIS! NOW!" screeched his mother. Oh shit. He  
was so tired... but somehow he managed to get up. He threw on a shirt and some pants. Then he  
checked his calander. '28, that was yesterday, 29, visit Thundermage, 30, WAIT A FREAKING MINUTE!'  
shouted he in his mind. "DAMN! Gotta get ready... gotta look good... gotta be presentable..." he  
said to himself. He got on a nice pail of loafers, pants, shirt, tie, and a coat.   
"ARTEMIS! NOW! IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR HINEY DOWN HERE..." yelled his mother, her voice not  
so pretty anymore.  
  
"Just a minute, mother!" he yelled back, but with respect. He ran down the steps, careful  
not to trip. He now had a lovely scar down his face. He ran to the dining room and sat down. When  
he looked at his father, he couldn't help but almost laugh. His father had lipstick all over his neck.   
"Dad.. you kinda..." he trailed off, but he did manage to rub his neck. His father got the  
picture and blushed. As he got a napkin, Artemis announced the good news.   
  
"I have my trip today to visit my friend." he said.   
  
"Good, I love it when you visit friends dear." said his mother. She didn't know that he didn't  
have more than one friend. Thundermage was his first. The rest were his buisness associates.  
  
"Well, I got to get packed. Don't want to be late for my flight!" said Artemis cheerfully.  
He went upstairs, once again, accompanied by Butler.  
  
"Sir, may I help you pack?" asked Butler. He already knew the answer. No need to ask, because  
Artemis nodded. Artemis packed his clothes with Butler. "Will I be with you on the trip today, sir?  
  
Artemis sighed. "No. I'm sorry, but today is important to me. You understand, right?" Butler nodded.  
He was going to miss his little bro, or what he thought was to be his brother. Artemis jogged down the stairs  
to his invention room. He grabbed his inventions.   
  
"Sir, I really think your inventions are nice." said Butler. He really did mean it. Artemis could   
see the sadness in his eyes. Artemis felt bad but then remembered Thundermage  
  
"It's only a day Butler! Really! Pull yourself together chap!" excalimed Artemis. He grabbed a 007  
DVD and shoved it in his bag.   
  
"Sir, how will you get your get your gun past airport security?" asked Butler.   
  
"It can be taken appart to look like simple items." He went to his game room and took his   
Playstation 5. "This system is really old." He tossed it out of the window, and it happened to land in the   
trash bin outside. It was filled with PS2, PS3, PS4, and now, PLAY STATION FIVE. Artemis preferred to play  
Lame Cube 4. It was the leader of gun simulators. He put that, LCD screen and his 9 game cubies in the luggage   
bags. Instead of round, the discs were now "cubies"!!!! Futuristic! The games included were Major machine gunning,   
Shotgun slam, Duck hunt Rocket Launcher style, War zone carnage edition, War zone II extra carnage edition, War zone ultra  
carnage edition, Doom realistic mega gore human edition, Plasma Phight and DDR 10th mix. They were the size of a die, and they  
were the most graphically advanced, but yet the most violent. They also were able to run off of heat emmitted from it.  
It only required four quadruple A batteries. They had DVD capabilities, CD capabilities and more. Also, he grabbed his CD's, Guncubecon, Controller  
DDR Pad. 'Can't forget the passport!' thought Artemis as he grabbed it.   
  
"Butler, get the limo ready. I'll be out in five." said Artemis. Butler nodded and dissapeared from the room.  
Artemis decided to have a snack. Once he got to the kitchen, he instantly started to rummage through the fridge.  
  
"Lets see... caviar, check. Crackers, check. Crepes Antonin Careme, check. GOOD TO GO!" He said to himself,  
placing each item in his bag. He jogged down the hall, but before he could get to the door, his mom blocked it.  
  
"MOM! I AM LIKE TOTALLY GOING TO BE LIKE LATE AND THEN I'LL GO TUBULAR!!!" said Artemis. Well, actually, he said  
"Mother, I can't miss my flight. Can you please move?" he asked  
  
"First, give mummy a big hug!" she said. Artemis did so. As she walked away Artemis thought to himself, "Baffoon".  
He threw the doors open and ran to the limo. Butler had the door open for him.   
  
"Okay, Butler, take the highway. Try to drive fast." said Artemis as his manservant got in the front.  
They pushed 120...  
  
Lower Elements, LEP acadamy, Thirty Years Ago  
  
"DO NOT EVER ENTER AN USECURED BUILDING DURING A FIREFIGHT!" The insructor screamed at the poor elf that he had pinned against  
the wall. The elf slid to the ground and wiped the spit off his face. He was going crazy. He knew it. CRAZY. LOONY LALALA.  
This overweight oversized fool was getting on his last nerve.   
  
"Yes sir" he said to him. As the instructor left the building, the elf mumbled to himself, "You fat bastard, burn in F**king  
hell". The elf's name was Krion, and he was always pissed off. As Krion walked out the door, his homies yelled to him.  
  
"Yo Kri, that fat F**k give you the yell?" Asked Nogulo. As if he didn't know. You could hear Fatass yell all through camp.  
  
"Yeah, he frikin did." responded Krion.   
  
"Don't let that bitch get on your nerves, he has no nuts." said another. Her name was Sally.  
  
"Of course he don't, he uses steroids like a motherf**ker". Responded Kri. He fumed inside silently. Suddenly, he came   
up with an idea...  
  
Wilton Airport, Ireland, Present Day  
  
"Butler, I'll see you later. Take care of mother for me."  
  
"Of course sir.".  
  
You can guess who those two were. Artemis said his parting words to Butler. However, Butler did happen to carry   
his luggage in for him. "Good bye, ol' chap."   
  
"I will miss you, Artemis!" Butler saluted Artemis and walked off. Artemis smiled and sat into a cushy chair.  
He opened the bag and took apart his gun. Now it was simply just a pen, a lighter and some batteries. Or that's what it seemed  
to be...  
  
"Flight B to America will be boarding in thirty minutes. Please proceed to go through security." Artemis smiled. He did   
so, as smooth as yogurt, as cool as cucumbers... ahem, anyway...  
  
Artemis waited in line. He needed to get on the plane and he needed to get on fast. He pulled out the tickets that he purchased  
on the internet and hummed to himself. He remembered his Lame cube 4 and pulled out a DDR cd. Artemis put the earphones on and started  
to listen to Trip Machine Climax.  
  
"Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Dah Duh." He sang to himself. As the line got shorter he cheered up some more. "Boom Boom Boom Shot  
you like a bamber..."  
  
"Sir, may I have your ticket?" said the flight attendant. At that moment, The whistle song came on and he was singing out loud.  
  
"Blow my whistle, bitch!" he sang. He noticed people staring at him and he turned off the music. " Of course. Here" He handed the  
ticket to her and punched a hole in it. He proceeded to get on the plane and sat down next to a window seat. He turned on some tunes and  
started to sing again. "Hey Mister wonderful, oh, you're so incredible, Hey Mister wonderful... lalalalala"   
  
"Excuse me, can I sit next to you?" asked a young lady. She was about Artemis's age (13) and was extremly attractive.   
  
"Of course, sit right next to me!" said Artemis. "Company would do some good". "You like Lamecube?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact I do." she said. Artemis smiled and turned to face her.   
  
"I'm sorry, I forgot to ask what your name was." This time she smiled and turned to face him.  
  
  
  
"My name, my name is Kitty Rainbow."  
*********************************************************************************************************************************************   
How was it? I thought I owed something to KR, I was a bitch to her. REVIEW REVIEW AND REVIEW!!! 


	5. Oh Shit

Ok, in this chapter, I will be dissing myself ALOT!! YEAH! No, I don't care if people think I'm being   
hard on myself BLAH! It's fun to make fun of yourself! TRY IT OR I'LL EAT YOU!!!!  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Chapter Five: Oh Shit  
  
"Oh shit" said Artemis. It was Kitty Rainbow. "Aren't you that famous writer that my evil  
twin that noone knows about flamed cuz he was a bitch?" he said in one breath.  
  
"Ok, like, first off, that was a run on sentence. It was grammatically incorrect. Second,  
cuz isn't a word. Third but not least, I wouldn't use the term bitch to describe him. I would use  
something along the lines of, lets see, stupid bitch."  
  
"Well said, Kit. Do you mind if I call you that?" asked Artemis.   
  
"Not at all." she responded. Artemis nodded and pulled out the Lame Cube. As he accessed  
the internet with a wireless connection, he read one of her stories. It was entitled Growing up,   
Growing Old. Artemis smiled and laughed to himself. "What's so funny?" she asked.   
  
"Well, my ignorant little evil twin wrote this review for your story." he said, reading  
it out loud.  
  
  
This story is bad bad bad! I reviewed one or two of your other stories, and they all are TERRIBLE!!!   
WORK ON THEM SO THEY DON'T ALL INVOLVE FRIKING LOVCE BETWEEN ARTEMIS AND HOLLY! WHY DO YOU FOCUS ON ONLY THAT????   
ARG MY SNAPPLE WAS STOLEN AGAIN!!! DAMN!  
  
  
"He spelled love wrong. Hahahaha!" said he. They laughed quietly so they would not wake   
anyone up. "I love your romance stories. They actually are pretty accurate, except for the death  
part for me in the hospital one." He paused. "Ya know, I did do some things with Holly that were  
not in your stories if you catch my drift..." he said.  
  
"You mean..."  
  
"Yeah I did!"  
  
"I can't believe you!"  
  
"What? Watering her ferns isn't so bad, is it?"  
  
She sighed relief. She thought that "he did the laundry" with her. She yawned and leaned  
against Artemis's shoulder. "Do you DDR?" she asked.  
  
"As a matter of fact, I do. Want to play?" As an answer to his question, the plane started  
to move and the captain's voice drifted over the loudspeaker.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please turn off all electric devices, fasten your seatbelts and get ready because  
were ridin' right now!" They did so and Artemis turned off his LC. They started talking and didn't realize how long they   
were talking until the captain announced that they would arrive in thirty minutes.  
  
"Oh, we forgot to play DDR!" said Artemis. He looked sad but then cheered up. "Do you want my email?"  
  
"Sure!" she exclaimed. Artemis Fowl was giving her his e-mail! OHMIGOSH!!!! He wrote it down and she looked puzzled.  
"Artisthehottesthomieinthisdamnworldsoshutupifyoudontlikeitbitch@ARTYFOWL.com.org.com. Whoa nelly that's long!" she exclaimed.  
"I guess I'll have to put it in my address book! Want mine?" She asked. He nodded and she wrote it down.  
  
"IonlywriteartyromancescuzhessoooooohotiluvartyhesmyherobutArTeMiSfOwLsucksbecausehedoesntlikemystoriesandalwaysmakes  
funofthemandsayssomeonestolemysnappleandivomitmypomegraniteblaartemiscantdiefromabrokenarm@artemisfowlishot.com DAMN! LONGER  
THAN REPUNZELS HAIR!! Oh well, I'll memorize it." He flashed her a grin. "If you'll excuse me, I'll get me a drink for me, and if you   
tell me, I'll get you one too."  
  
"Oh, I would love you to get me a Pepsi Purple!" She said. He nodded and got them. As he returned, he noticed Kitty Rainbow  
was rummaging through his bag.   
  
"What are you doing?" he hissed. She sqealed like a pig and srank back in her seat. "HOW DARE YOU SEARCH MY BAG!" he bellowed.  
  
"I'm sorry! I just dropped my lipstick in your bag!" she exclaimed  
  
"Oh! In that case, let me get it for you!" He proceeded to do so as the plane landed. "Keep I touch?"  
  
"Keep in touch!" She said. They started to get off the plane and Artemis thought, 'She's hot'  
  
When they got off the plane, Artemis leaned foward towards her and kissed her.  
  
He grabbed his bag and ran off. 


End file.
